Profile

He's a Monday morning lunatic
Disturbed from time to time
Lost within himself
In his solitary shell ...

(Except maybe not so much these days.)

Daddy, Husband, Runner, Guitarist, Brewer, Software Developer; either a 'polymath', or a 'jack of all trades, master of none' depending on whether you're asking someone else, or me.

You may [have] know[n] me as Ponyhead on LiveskiJournalski. If so - привет, товарищ.

welcome to my nightmare come in and stay a while if you leave with one new idea or changed opinion then my time has not been wasted close your eyes and you'll find all you need in your mind it's just another rainy day in New York City but one day a real rain'll come and wash all the scum off the streets so come join me and wave hello from the gutter where we can look at the stars and hoo! whee! look at that little gone girl with her blonde bob hair and without a care as she walks past the bird-box trees her shoulder laden with books and a smile on her face cos she's still learning about life and it occurs to me that it's only when we stop learning that the smile falls off our face anyways spread before you is your soul so forever hold the dreams within our hearts through nature's inflexible grace I'm learning to live death to Videodrome long live The New Flesh you know I bet you thought that you woke me up about The Flesh but you only know society's straight line about The Flesh you can't penetrate beyond society's sick grey fear of The Flesh drink deep or taste not the plasma springs you see what I'm saying I'm not just talking about sex and penetration I'm talking about penetration beyond the veil of The Flesh a deep penetrating dive into the plasma pool and you're fooling yourself and you don't believe it you're kidding yourself and you don't believe it why must you be such an angry young man when your future looks quite bright to me well I have tried many times to reveal my inner state of mind but if you're blind from birth do you really miss the light so much as one who knew the world of sight or is the pain of loss more bitter-sweet than the pain of longing which is to say is it really better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all I heed my call inside I fall expanding inner horizons to be or what this must be Thursday I never could quite get the hang of Thursdays who let the Yids out Das ist der Todesking er macht das die Menschen nicht mehr leben wollen you see it reflects how real life is sometimes you get slow fades, sometimes seamless dissolves and sometimes you get jarring cuts that are uncomfortable and jagged prophecy is ragged and dirty and at the end do I perhaps believe that public life in cyberspace is more real than private life in The Flesh are you with me so far good then I'll continue along just like a song that's out of time all I needed was a rhyme for you c'est la vie but it doesn't always rhyme and that's alright because order is there to be disturbed and rules are there to be broken but by the same token I do find there to be beauty in symmetry and comfort in order and a sense of peace in balance and yet the most power is found in those things that retain tension and remain unresolved because it is these things that keep us striving otherwise we're not living we're only surviving but despite this statement which I do believe to be true I still find the most powerful piece of all is Mahler 9 with its resigned sorrowful farewell rather than the unresolved tension of Mahler 6 that some say to be his best work and if that makes it seem like I'm contradicting myself well that's a good thing because now you are starting to understand me a little better like I've sometimes said about myself he's a prophet and a pusher partly truth partly fiction a walking contradiction which is how Betsy described Travis and she was actually quoting Kris Kristofferson lyrics and how could he have known as he sat there and penned that song that one day a scriptwriter would use his words to illuminate the character he'd created and how could that scriptwriter know that one day I'd see his film and use those words to describe myself and how can I know as i sit and type these words what effect they may possibly have on people I'll never meet and never know and oh I believe if we learn from the past we'd say haven't we been here before and I'm not sure if this is a whimper or a roar I'm just trying to expose my inner core and explore how the things that will come next flow from the things that went be Forty Two and so an even bigger computer had to be built to try and work out what the actual question was in the first place and this computer which was called The Earth was so amazingly large that it was frequently mistaken for a planet particularly by the strange ape-like beings that roamed its surface completely unaware that they were simply part of a gigantic computer program and this is very odd for without this simple and fairly obvious piece of knowledge nothing that ever happened on Earth could possibly have made the slightest bit of sense which if you stop and think about it i mean really think about it is absolutely true it's an unlimited supply and there is no reason why but we've been cursed with a conscience and it is the human condtition to be aware of ourselves and to know our own mortality and that the only constant in life is death so we expend vast amounts of energy in creating a reason and a purpose for our own eXistenZ when really isn't that reason just to perpetuate like any other successful organism I mean does a virus lay awake at night and ask itself why it is a virus and is it a good virus and what will become of it when it is a virus no more or would most diseases truly be shocked to learn that they are thought of as diseases at all nah you've got to enjoy the good life down here on Earth my son ere guvnor d'you fancy a drink yeah well the pubs are open aren't they and it makes me wanna cry and hold my hands up to the sky so understand don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years and are you still here afloat in this stream of consciousness then your presence humbles me and your interest in my words is sure to find a reflection in my interest of you or maybe you are not interested but bored or perhaps even confused but sometimes I feel the search for reason needlessly overshadows the simple facts of being and feeling and so whatever your reason I am glad to find you here in my littlle corner of the collision between the real and virtual worlds called ponyhead.co.uk I hope you enjoy your stay be it as a regular visitor or just here, now, today and all I ask is that you take something of this with you and leave something of yourself behind in return but even that is only a casual request at best as I can watch you come and go and know and take nothing and leave nothing and all that really mattered to me was that you were here so I'll sit and drink my beer or maybe I'm sitting drinking coffee yawning sleepily and isn't that the case that sometimes the smallest simplest pleasures are the greatest of all as that train of consequences went over the bridge that didn't know it was a bridge or worry about the ants who didn't mind that they weren't horses towards its meeting with that little gone blonde bob cutie and here it is above the road under that bridge that I'd driven a hundred times or more in my blue sports car belted to black leather and chained to my cycle of work produce consume work produce consume that Ray taught me about later but I didn't know about then and this car had cost me £20,000 and it occured to me then as I smiled at the road and the ants glad of the sun and the chance to do nothing more than sit and think that the only thing that would make me any happier right now is a cup of good coffee that would cost me 10,000 times less than that car and even the fact that this train has no buffet and no coffee didn't really matter after all because somewhere up ahead would be coffee when it was time for my path to cross with that of the good coffee beans that had come some vast unimaginable distance to make me happy and hadn't worried that they were not the llama that climbed the hill nearby who didn't cry he was just happy to have the sun and the deep blue sky and so maybe that's the one thing if anything that I hoped you'd take from this and maybe though the words are mine now I can learn from them also ...